Sweet Dreams

The other morning I had a dream.


It was an amazing dream.


I dreamed I was Commander Riker, and I was hell-bent on saving my honour.


I realised part-way through writing my blog-as-teleplay that this wasn't just transcribing a dream, this was fan-fiction.  I was disgusted with myself.  I love me some TNG but I am absolutely NOT a nerd or geek (I wash) and I don't CARE what Comic-Con says, it's the MEEK who shall inherit the Earth ... the meek ... not the geek ... meek ...


But it was a WICKED AWESOME DREAM and this is a WICKED AWESOME TELEPLAY so please, read on!

STAR TREK TNG:  THE SWAP


SCENE I
Pan from the cabin window, where alien stars stand still, to a bed.  It's not RIKER's cabin, as evidenced by stodgy travelling cases, spilling exotic clothing onto the floor, and an elegant cello on a stand where a trombone might otherwise be.  Pan to the bed.  RIKER is lying in the bed under one of those weird silver blankets.  He stirs, sits up, and runs his hands through his hair, standing it on end.  RIKER stands and whacks his shin on one of the travelling cases.


          RIKER:  What the?


He opens his eyes, fully awake from the pain, and carefully navigates his way to the mirror.  He opens the magic drawer of water and rinses his face, then looks up.  His eyes widen. His beard bristles.  He touches his face.  The face in the mirror is not his face!


          RIKER:  [Quietly]  Who did this to me?  [Pause]
          Computer, whose quarters are these?
          COMPUTER:  These are the quarters of Inspector Haggai
          of Starfleet Intelligence.
          RIKER:  [Raising his clenched fist, managing to cut
          a fierce figure despite being in his jammies] Haggai!


SCENE II
RIKER, dressed in HAGGAI's Inspector uniform which has kickass gold ropes on the shoulders, enters Ten Forward. He pauses at the bar near the door to survey the scene.


          GUINAN:  Can I help you find something, Inspector?
          RIKER:  Who?  Oh, yes!  [Blustering]  I was looking for
          Deanna—I mean Counsellor Troi.  I understood she was
          meeting Commander Riker here this evening?
          GUINAN:  [In a typically infuriating seeing
           much more than she says she sees GUINAN fashion]
           I see. She's right over there.  [Gently indicates with
          one of her sleeves a table by the window.]


RIKER turns to see TROI and HAGGAI sharing a chocolate sundae.  TROI has her head down, laughing coquettishly.


          RIKER:  [Stage whisper, fist clenched menacingly]  
           Haggai!


Camera follows the back of RIKER as he strides across Ten Forward, golden braids flapping with each step.  The ensigns at the tables, each drinking a different colour of kool-aid in a differently-shaped glass, swivel their heads to look.  He cuts an impressive figure.  He stops at TROI and HAGGAI's table and looks down at them.


          TROI:  Inspector Haggai!  Would you like to join us?
          RIKER:  No, I would not.


It is clear from the perplexed looks TROI is giving him and HAGGAI that when she looks at RIKER, she sees HAGGAI, and when she looks at HAGGAI, she sees RIKER!


          RIKER:  Have you and Wil been having a nice chat?
          DEANNA:  As a matter of fact, we'd just been talking
          about you, Inspector.  Wil had just been asking me
          for my [tilts head "thoughtfully"] impressions of you.
          RIKER:  [to HAGGAI]  Is that so, Wil?
          HAGGAI:  Why yes, Inspector.  You are a very
           accomplished man, yet somewhat of an enigma.
          RIKER: [Superfast stage whisper] Idon'ttalklikethat.
          HAGGAI:  Pardon me?
          RIKER:  [coughing]  Noonetalkslikethat a-HEM I seem 
          to have some [quickly] pretentiousness caught in
           my throat.  Counsellor, would you be so kind as to
          show me to Sick Bay?
          HAGGAI:  [Petulantly, and in a completely unmanly, 
           un-Rikerly manner] But we're not finished enjoying 
           our sundae!
          TROI:  It's no trouble, Inspector.  These things are
          my curse as much as they are my favourite treat!


As they walk away, RIKER throws a smirk over his shoulder at HAGGAI, who takes it in ill humour by snarfing a giant mouthful of ice cream, instantly regretting it as it hits a sensitive tooth.


SCENE III
RIKER and TROI stand side-by-side in the Turbolift.  There is a moment of silence.  TROI's face is vacantly serene, as it always is unless she is being mind-raped; RIKER's is troubled.  His lips begin to move, silently at first.


          RIKER:  [Barely whispering]  Shoop, shoop.
          TROI:  Did you say something, Inspector?
          RIKER:  No, no.  [Pause]  Yes.  I did.  Deanna,
          can't you tell?
          TROI:  Tell what?
          RIKER:  [Screwing his face into a hideously
          unattractive grimace]  SHOOP!  SHOOP!  Deanna!
          It's me, Wil!  I'm sending you love rays, can't
          you sense that it's me, not that pompous twat Haggai
          in this hideous body?  SHOOP!  SHOOP!  [He waggles
          his fingers with the last "shoop"]
          TROI:  Well, I, would have to admit there was something
          wrong with my telepathic powers if I said otherwise,
          but, uh, prove to me it's you, Wil, prove it!
          RIKER: This is bullshit.  Beverly will believe me.
          She's way smarter than you anyway.


SCENE IV
RIKER sits on one of CRUSHER's examination tables in Sick Bay.  She flashes her tricorder at him.


          CRUSHER:  [With wonderment in her voice] Wil?
          RIKER:  Beverly!  I knew you'd know me.  How could you
          tell it was me?
          CRUSHER:  I have your brain waves on file.  What 
           are you doing in Inspector Haggai's body?
          RIKER:  I don't know.  I woke up from my nap in his
          quarters, in his body, in his jammies.  I think it's
          part of his plot to steal Deanna from me.
          CRUSHER:  You know, I didn't like the way he looked
          at her from the second he got on board.
          RIKER:  I know, the way her kissed her hand was
          just plain smarmy.


A moment passes while they awkwardly look anywhere but at each other.  It is obvious they've never shared girl talk before.


          CRUSHER:  We can probably use the transporter to
          switch your brains back.
          RIKER:  That's your answer for everything, isn't it.
          CRUSHER:  If you confuse me with that son-stealing,
          Datta-saying bitch Pulaski one more time, Wil, I'll go 
          after your father just for spite.
          RIKER:  Please don't.
          CRUSHER:  Now how do we trick Haggai onto the 
          transporter pad?


SCENE V
BARKLAY is escorting HAGGAI down the hallway, BARKLAY stammering and waving his hands and a tricorder about as usual.


          BARCLAY:  I'm not sure why the readings indicated such
          a serious problem there, sir, I suppose next time
          I should check it out before calling a senior officer
          to the scene, I didn't intend to waste your time, sir,
          but I didn't think we had any time to lose.
          HAGGAI:  That's quite all right, my good man,
          nothing ventured, nothing gained, pip pip, fishing,
          blue eyes, beard, trombone.
          BARCLAY:  As you say, sir.


HAGGAI makes to turn right down the corridor, but BARCLAY indicates the door to their left.


          BARCLAY:  This way, sir.
          HAGGAI:  Of course.  What was I thinking.  Must be
          all the drinking I've been doing.  Klingon fire-wine
          flip-cup with some of the ensigns last night.
          HEY-OH!


The doors open onto transporter room three.  BARCLAY turns and locks the door, and RIKER springs from off-camera and tackles HAGGAI.  A fisticuffs ensues.  CRUSHER pops up from behind the transporter table thingy and starts pushing buttons.  Sight gag:  O'Brien is bound and gagged in the corner, a confused look in his eyes.


          CRUSHER:  Broccoli!  Get them onto the transporter!
          RIKER:  Quit pulling my beard!


BARKLAY jumps into the fray and helps wrestle the two much-larger men onto the transporter pad. CRUSHER energizes, the two men vanish into outer space, and I wake up.


I don't know the ending, so you don't know the ending.  Tough titties for all of us, eh?




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Image from Fashion It So