Worse Things

Sandcat and I were discussing, in disbelief, that Disney had already begun working on the next Star Wars film. That conversation is transcribed below, as is usual with me, more or less faithfully.

"What can it possibly be about?" was the gist of our chat.

"What can it possibly be about?" is a stupid discussion to have with me because I will immediately begin thinking about things it (whatever it is) could possibly be about.

"I hope they hire Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher and they're all old and stuff," I began.  But for me, beginning is never enough. Ask Sandcat, who has the patience of two St. Lucias.

I continued in a quavering old-man voice. "Leia! Why don't you put that costume on again for me?"

I switched to a quavering old-lady voice. "Go jump in a vat of whatever that was and freeze yourself, Han!"

Old Han voice:  "I shot first once, I can shoot first again!"

By then Sandcat and I were giggling/cackling like morons. Now that I'm typing it out, I wonder if it had more to do with my silly voices and hand motions that my actual dialogue.

"Why don't YOU write the new Star Wars movie?" asked Sandcat. "It will probably be better ..."

I replied, "Do you know if Jar Jar died? I really need Jar Jar ..."

SCENE I

Scene opens with HAN and LEIA, both rather aged, lounging in wicker chairs in their space mansion. HAN wears the same outfit he did in the original movie, only his gut sticks out from underneath. LEIA is wearing a simple dress, head turban, and a giant moissanite ring on her left ring finger. Both also wear wedding rings.

HAN: Remember the good old days when we had an evil empire to defeat and I was the best smuggler in the galaxy with the fastest ship and I remembered what a parsec was? Have you seen my glasses?

LEIA:  Oh yes, the "good old days" [LEIA uses super-exaggerated Chris Farley-style double finger quotes]. The "good old days" when the fashion was the stupidest hairdo imaginable. Oh my lord. The headaches I used to have in the "good old days", when I was a slave to a fat greasy slug who starved me and made me wear a slitted bed sheet.

HAN: Do you still have that?

LEIA: Do you still have that carbonite freezer pit? The times I've wished we'd never thawed you.

HAN: [Sitting up abruptly, knocking over his wicker table with its blue space drink on it, pointing his finger like a gun at LEIA] I SHOT FIRST ONCE I CAN SHOOT FIRST AGAIN! [An ewok and a hunchbacked JAR JAR BINKS rush in to help clean up]

JAR JAR: Mesa clean for Mr Han! Yousa Ewok clumsy! Yousa mop up spill with yousa nappy fur! Mesa favourite of Mr Han! Yousa smell like tree!

LEIA: I wish someone would shoot that thing first.

EWOK: [Gives JAR JAR the finger and goes to hide behind LEIA]

CHEWBACCA: Waaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr

 END SCENE

SCENE II

Scene opens by panning across a scummy looking space hotel room. Space pilot relics are strewn about untidily. An orange helmet here, R2D2's head there. On the bed lies a young brunette with cinnamon bun hair. Pan to the window, where we see the back of old LUKE, one arm resting on the frame, up above his head, the other on his hip in a slightly feminine manner. Whichever hand his Dad cut off is lying on the bedside table (unless it was reconnected but I think it was a prosthetic, don't ask me, I'm a Trekkie).

BRUNETTE: Hey baby, wanna come into my "death star" again? [she says "death star" like it is a question, unsure of what it is. Likely, she wasn't born when Luke blew it up]

LUKE: No, no. [Turns from window swiftly, head first, too-long hair rippling as he does so] This is so wrong. Put this on. [Tosses her what appears to be a bed sheet]

BRUNETTE: Is this a sheet?

Luke: Sorry, old habits. Find your clothes and get out. JUST GET OUT! [Spins back to the window, EVEN MORE DRAMATICALLY]

END SCENE

SCENE III

DARTH VADER, unmasked, unlegged, connected to an oxygen tank, still wearing his epic black cloak, sits in a wheelchair in front of a TV. He is surrounded by many other very old people. One of them uses DARTH's upturned helmet as an ashtray. Another particularly wizened alien continually mutters "It's a trap. A trap," under his breath.

TV: Planets with only one continent for 500 please.

DARTH VADER: I cannot believe I repented and they put me in a fucking home.

NURSE: Next time sign your DNR, bro.

END SCENE