Adventures in Babysitting

Last Sunday, Hawk and I babysat my nephew, CobraStarshine.


It was good.  He's four months old, so it went like this.


Play, play, play, poop, cry, diaper change, play, cry, cry for a long time while Aunty makes formula, eat, snuggle Aunty, Mum and Dad come home.


NOT INTERESTING!!!


Here's the dramatised version.

A dark and stormy Sunday afternoon in March.  Heavy clouds glower over trees.  Ominous wind blows.  Pan in through a living room window.  COBRASTARSHINE lies on his back blankly staring up at the ceiling, a stuffed monster in his arms.  HAWK sits on the sofa, staring at his Blackberry. RED PANDA sits in the arm chair, staring at COBRASTARSHINE.  CORA lies prone on the floor, vacant eyes directed toward the kitchen.

     RED PANDA:  Did you hear that?


     HAWK:  No.


     RED PANDA:  I'm sure I heard something.
     It was something like a grow-- there it is again.


Both adults pause, looking out the window.  HAWK looks at CORA.


     HAWK:  Cora doesn't hear anything.


     RED PANDA:  Since when do you put any stock in Cora?


CORA perks up when she hears her name and walks over to sit on RED PANDA's foot.  RED PANDA reaches down to scratch her ears, but CORA suddenly sits upright, pointing her nose at the door.


     RED PANDA:  Now do you believe me?


CORA starts to shake.  From without, there is an audible BOOM then a drawn-out HISS, followed by a flash of orange outside the window.  COBRASTARSHINE rolls over, abandoning his stuffed monster.


     HAWK:  Did you see that?


     RED PANDA:  Oh my god!
     CobraStarshine just rolled over!


     HAWK:  Oh, I missed that, I meant the fire outside?


     RED PANDA:  The outside is on fire?!


RED PANDA leaps to her feet, scooping up COBRASTARSHINE in one arm and the stuffed monster in the other.


     HAWK:  No, it's not ON fire, I saw a flash of fire.


There is another BOOM and HISS without, followed by a stream of fire outside the window.  CORA bolts behind RED PANDA and begins barking.


     RED PANDA:  Cora, shut it.


CORA shuts it, but doesn't look happy about it.  The whites of her eyes show.  COBRASTARSHINE, meanwhile, is flailing his arms, trying to get his monster back from RED PANDA.


     RED PANDA:  Hawk, what was that?


     HAWK:  Red Panda, I'm going to be honest with you.
     I don't know for sure, but if I were to guess,
     I'd guess that was a flame from the mouth of a dragon.


     RED PANDA:  That's ludicrous.
     There's no such thing as dragons.


     HAWK:  Says you.
     But that's what it looked like.
     It was too big of a flame to be from a flame thrower,
     and who would have a flame thrower on this street anyway?


RED PANDA gives COBRASTARSHINE his monster back to stop his grabbing motions.


     COBRASTARSHINE:  Coooo!  Giggle!


A knocking at the door, much louder than a human would knock.  All four heads turn toward the door in perfect unison.


     RED PANDA:  Who-who's there?
     HAWK:  [Stage whisper] Please don't be the dragon,
     please don't be the dragon!


     WITHOUT:  IT IS I, THE DRAGON!
     AND I WANT MY SON BACK!


The adults look at each other, open-mouthed.


     COBRASTARSHINE:  Fuck that, you're not my real dad!
     GET HIM!


Cora leaps to her feet, tearing open the door with her jaws, then ducks for cover again behind the adults.  The monster springs to life, muliplying in size.  As the dragon bursts into the room, seven feet tall at the shoulder, the monster matches its height and leaps to clutch its jaws shut with its arms.


     RED PANDA:  What?!


     HAWK:  The balls?!


     COBRASTARSHINE:  I said you're not my real dad
     now leave me alone!


COBRASTARSHINE leaps to the floor, turns, points his wee bum at the dragon, and lets loose a mighty fart.  RED PANDA and HAWK fall to the floor gasping, but the fart proves deadly to the dragon as it creates a fireball around its head.  Its tender eyeballs sizzle and melt to the floor like flaming marshmallows or that Nazi in Indiana Jones.  


     COBRASTARSHINE:  Yeah!  Believe your eyes, bitch!


As the air clears, HAWK stands, then helps RED PANDA to her feet.  A ray of sun shines through the window, directly onto a smiling, silently sleeping COBRASTARSHINE, who is cuddling CORA.


                        FIN